Looping the Hen

But then everything started going right. (About the time I involuntarily decided to quit dating) I was promoted several times where I worked. I found some friends to hang out with. A couple of years later I took a renewed interest in myself. I quit smoking, lost a bunch of weight, started working out, fixed up my teeth, paid off all my debts, visited the tanning bed.

Some of this may sound pretty silly, but every time I pass another milestone, I can't understand why everything just keeps going right. I haven't been content like this in my life, well, ever. The two folks who regularly read this blog can probably confirm that. For, err, always, I had tied my sense of self to someone else's sense of me. When I finally broke that codependence, I learned what contentment is truly all about.

It may sound materialistic, but my latest victories have been owning my own (very modest) condo and the purchase of the newest (and sexiest!) car I have ever owned. For someone whose last three vehicles have been a 1989 Chrysler Lebaron, 1991 4-door Generic Box Car, and a 1980-something Saab 900, it has been a fairly big boost to my already through-the-roof self-esteem.

Now, I regularly question God, and don't necessarily know where I will be spending my Eternity, but I do know what I believe, and I believe it pretty strongly. I believe in God and Jesus Christ and the rest of the Apostle's Creed. I believe He has blessed me constantly for years. I believe in Him because there are platypuses and dolphins and because the moon's revolution and rotation are exactly the same. I believe in Him because since 9/11 I cry at everything that moves me, good or bad. I believe in Him because I can feel Him at the edge of my self.

I guess what I am scared of is that I am just being set up for a huge fall. To be honest, I don't know if my latest chain of posts is a good thing or a bad thing. I hope no one takes that the wrong way, as I am thrilled and scared and curious and shocked and blessed by the whole thing.

At the same time I wonder, is this a test or just kismet? Was it God who whispered her name in my ear to allow me to find her to ask her forgiveness? Was it the other guy who whispered it because he knows I'm psycho and knows she will pierce my (apparently fragile) sense of calm? Why now, the day she is moving back to this country, that seems like pretty odd timing in the scheme of things?

Other questions bubble forth, like what does it even matter? She is happily married and will be living on the other side of the country and the odds are I will never see her in person again in this lifetime.

I can (almost) sense the huge train wreck coming. Half of me says I should just drop the subject on my blog and stick to other things and whatever happens will happen in private; however one of the purposes of this space was to show my soulmate, if she exists, the real me. And I hate to say it, this swirling mass of random thought and emotional debris, is part and parcel of the real me. I hope a stronger, better me than the one of a decade ago, one that deserves her, whoever she is. But still one that apparently has some unresolved issues in his life.

I guess about all I can hope is that the Universe will offer me some guidance. Maybe she won't call back. Maybe I'll find a cute girl or a kitten to distract me. Maybe I'll learn to be a friend that someone would want to have. Maybe...maybe.